Communication

communication Jul 21, 2024

Man listening in a tin can with a string

It was fun to play with two tin cans and a string to communicate with our friends when we were young. Even though we could usually hear them without the cans. As adults, however, communication can be more challenging.

What is Communication?

Broadly speaking, communication is conveying meaning from one person to another.

It involves speaking, writing, all forms of art, and yes, listening. For the purpose of this blog post, we will focus exclusively on speaking and listening.

Active listening means that you are fully engaging with both the content and the emotions. Some people think of it as “showing up” for the other person. Active listening is both a skill and an art. It’s a skill because it can be learned. It’s art because each time the outcome is different when it’s practiced with intention.

Sometimes I hear from people, “Deb, I just want them to hear ME!” I get it. You do. Everyone deserves that.

I start by teaching listening first in communication. When we engage with others through listening, they become more receptive to what we have to say. If someone doesn’t feel heard, they may not be open to the message we wish to speak. I am not talking about placating someone else. I am talking about the process by which they know that you understand how they feel. By listening first, we open the way to being heard.

Ineffective Communication

When communication is ineffective, people often make various errors that contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts. To eliminate ineffective communication, avoid these common errors:

Lack of Clarity: Using vague or ambiguous language that can be interpreted in multiple ways.
Interrupting: Cutting off the speaker before they have finished expressing their thoughts, leading to incomplete communication.
Using Jargon: Employing technical terms or industry-specific language that the listener may not understand.
Overloading Information: Providing too much information at once, overwhelming the listener.
Failure to Adapt: Not adjusting the communication style to suit the audience's needs or the context of the situation.
Ignoring Feedback: Not seeking or disregarding feedback, missing opportunities to clarify or correct misunderstandings.
Making Assumptions: Jumping to conclusions without verifying facts or understanding the full context.
Lack of Empathy: Failing to consider or understand the emotions and perspectives of others.
Selective Hearing: Only hearing what one wants to hear and ignoring important information.
Using Negative Language/Blaming and Criticizing: Employing negative or harsh language that can alienate or offend the listener and focusing blame rather than seeking solutions, which can create defensiveness and conflict.

This is not an exhaustive list. We shortened it so that it didn’t overload you with information (see what we did there?)

Succinctly put, the message sent and the message received ideally match. If they don’t then we are likely going to experience problems.

The most poignant example of ineffective communication I experienced was when I was working as a hospital chaplain during my twenties in my training program. I was paged to surgery waiting. A wife and daughter were in the room, and highly anxious. They rose when I walked in, expecting news, which I didn’t have. I helped them settle to wait for the doctor. When the surgeon walked in, they again stood. The doctor said, “I’m very sorry to tell you that your loved one expired.” The first words out of the wife’s mouth were, “so he’ll be fine then?” The doctor glanced at me awkwardly. He tried again. “He expired,” he said, and then he continued with a medical explanation about what went wrong. This family wasn’t getting anything this doc was saying. The conversation was not connecting with them. It was going in circles because he was not using words they could understand. I finally stopped the doctor. I said to him, “You have to tell them in words they will understand.” The doctor took a breath and tried again. “He died during surgery.”

The wife fainted–hitting her head hard on the minimally carpeted floor. The daughter started SCREAMING–overwhelmed that she was just told her dad died, and now her mom was out cold on the floor. I have to tell you, I was really glad there was a doctor in the room, because I didn’t know what to do for the unconscious woman on the floor. I took the screaming daughter and the doctor focused on the wife who then ended up in the ER. It was quite the experience!

In this example, the doctor made several communication errors. Can you spot them from the list? I’ll add them at the very bottom of this post so you can see if you correctly identified them.

How To Recognize When the Communication Isn’t Connecting

Below are some signs to recognize when communication isn’t connecting. It’s like blowing through a yellow traffic light if you don’t. You might be alright….but you might also not be! Identify these signals in your conversations like a traffic light so that you have the best outcomes.

External Signals:

volume going up

Emotionally charged words

Frustration…this can quickly turn to anger

Words coming fast

Internal Signals:

You are tensing

You may physically shake

Breathing speeds up

Heart rate increases

Feel like moving

Practice looking for these internal and external signs–especially in difficult conversations. The more you practice recognizing when things are getting hard, the sooner you will pick up on it - and the easier it will be to do something about it in the moment.

Successful Communication

Successful communication happens when those communicating feel heard and understood.

This doesn’t necessarily imply agreement. Communication is not about finding a way to make others change their thoughts or emotions. Instead, it's about recognizing that their perspective can coexist with yours. In fact, it must coexist for genuine dialogue to occur. This is a powerful realization. When you accept that their truth can peacefully coexist alongside yours, that THIS is true AND THIS is true you've taken a significant step toward mastering the art of communication.

You create a space where both perspectives are acknowledged, respected, and explored. This acknowledgment doesn't diminish your truth or compromise your values. Rather, it opens the door to meaningful discussions, fostering understanding, empathy, and ultimately, resolutions that honor the complexity of human perspectives. This is the way to successful communication.

If you’re interested in learning more about communication, consider completing the course Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections. Whether you want to improve personal relationships, enhance workplace interactions, or master the art of speaking to be heard, this course is your gateway to significant personal growth.

The doctor’s mistakes:

–Lack of empathy. When he walked into the room, he should have invited them to sit down. Next he should have said, “I have some upsetting news to tell you. It may be difficult for you to hear.”

–Lack of clarity. The doctor chose the word “expired, which was vague and confusing to the family

–Ignoring Feedback. When the doctor looked at me awkwardly, he ignored their feedback “he’ll be fine right?”

–Failure to adapt. The doctor was aware he was not connecting. He failed to adust his vocabulary to what they could comprehend.

–Overloading Information AND…