Coping with Mean People & Mean Behaviors in Your Life

Aug 04, 2024

Yesterday, I started to have mean words come out of my mouth, and I stopped myself. The people in the room said, “Say it.” Which took me back. I knew they were being honest asking for my truth. I reiterated “It’s not nice.” They were still willing to go there with me, so I spilled the angry words and together we worked it all the way through to a positive, peaceful resolution.

I’m aware that not everyone has the ability or the desire to do this. Many people don’t have the initial filter to stop themselves as I did initially. Further, many don’t have the emotional intelligence to work with what comes next. Instead, the meanness tumbles out, and the fighting starts. Wounds occur on both sides.

In this blog we’ll consider how to recognize mean behavior and what to do when you encounter mean behavior in your personal and professional life.

Mean behavior can be found everywhere – at work, in our personal relationships, or even in our communities. This can be a challenge, but it's important to find a way forward in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.

The majority of people that you might call mean, is in actuality mean behavior. Linda and I had a very long conversation before we wrote this to get really clear because we come at this from slightly different perspectives. Mean people, as we came to agree, exhibit mean behaviors. Most people do NOT exhibit mean behavior most of the time. I shy away from labels. I also don’t believe in judging others. At the same time, I definitely get that some behavior is very, very difficult to cope with. As soon as we say “mean people,” we have in essence created both a label and judgment.

In this blog post when I write, “mean people” I am referring to their behavior, not their essence. I’ve used the words mean people so that you can actually find this blog in a search.

Recognizing Mean People’s Behavior

Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize mean behaviors in ourselves or in others. Other times it’s blatant.

An article in Psychology Today defines mean behavior as:

“Purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice).”

When the behavior becomes repeated, it falls into bullying and/or abnormal psychology. While these scenarios are more complex, the behavior is still right there and requires action.

One way we know that someone has been mean is to recognize how we feel. If we are the one being mean, it’s typical that we feel bad about our words or actions. Similarly if someone is mean to us, it leaves us feeling bad. “Bad” might mean uncomfortable, angry, physical discomfort in the body, or other unpleasant sensations or emotions. It’s important to pay attention to these signals! Once you’ve recognized that you received that signal then you can begin to look for the behavior that caused it. Here are some specific types of mean behavior, both personal and professional to help you identify in the future.

Personal Mean Behaviors

Insults and Name-Calling: Using derogatory language to demean or belittle someone.

Gossiping and Spreading Rumors: Talking negatively about someone behind their back to harm their reputation.

Exclusion: Deliberately leaving someone out of social activities or conversations.

Mocking and Mimicking: Imitating someone in a hurtful way to ridicule them.

Passive-Aggressive Comments: Making indirect or subtle negative remarks intended to hurt.

Public Embarrassment: Intentionally embarrassing someone in front of others.

Dismissiveness: Ignoring or downplaying someone's thoughts, feelings, or contributions.

Gaslighting: Manipulating someone into questioning their own reality or sanity.

Intimidation: Using fear to control or dominate someone.

Silent Treatment: Refusing to communicate or acknowledge someone as a form of punishment.

Professional Mean Behaviors

Bullying: Repeated, aggressive behavior intended to intimidate or dominate a colleague.

Undermining: Deliberately sabotaging someone's work or efforts.

Microaggressions: Subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory comments or actions.

Backstabbing: Betraying a colleague's trust by talking negatively about them behind their back.

Excessive Criticism: Constantly finding fault with someone's work without offering constructive feedback.

Credit-Stealing: Taking credit for someone else's ideas or accomplishments.

Sabotage: Deliberately obstructing someone's work to make them look bad.

Isolation: Excluding someone from meetings, projects, or social activities at work.

Public Shaming: Criticizing or reprimanding someone in front of others to humiliate them.

Threatening Job Security: Using the threat of job loss to control or intimidate an employee.

Coping Strategies for a Mean Person’s Behavior

Someone’s been mean. Now what? Here are some tips for both personal and professional life to help you cope:

Practice self-care. Being kind to yourself and meeting your own needs is essential when dealing with mean people, as it helps you maintain a positive mindset and cope with negativity.
Set boundaries. It's important to communicate your boundaries and assert your rights, so that others know how you expect to be treated. Using your words is powerful.
Focus on the positives. Instead of dwelling on negativity, focus on the positives in your life and the things that make you happy.
Seek support. Talking to someone you trust can help you process your emotions and find a way forward.
Consider your options. If someone is consistently mean or harmful to you, consider whether it's necessary to limit or end the relationship.
Assertive Communication. Clearly and effectively communicate your needs and stand up for yourself without escalating conflict.
Maintaining Professionalism. Learn and practice emotional intelligence and emotional regulation to consistently keep things professional.
Documenting Incidents. It’s important to keep records of mean or inappropriate behavior for potential future action. Have a witness (when possible) to conversations.
Reporting and Escalation. While this is a last resort, it may be needed. Know when and how to report mean behavior to supervisors or HR according to your company’s rules.
Create a Supportive Workplace. Foster a positive and inclusive work environment.

An Example of a Mean Person’s Behavior

The lawn mower whirred. The peonies laid in ruins. This was an intentional act.

And yes, it was mean.

What coping mechanisms to use? What options from above would help? The answer may depend on what has come before. Was this the first mean thing? Or was this a one off? Or was it the 4th mean behavior exhibited in a week? Is it a pattern of behavior? Determining that is important, because it then informs what action comes next.

If setting boundaries has not been effective. If after the boundary, assertive communication was attempted. If support has been sought, and been ineffective, it may be time to consider options.