Learning from Failure: How to Embrace Setbacks and Keep Moving Forward

emotional intelligence failure Oct 20, 2024

A man sitting at a desk with his head in his hands, a burnt out lightbulb nearby

Failure is often seen as something to be avoided at all costs, a word loaded with negative connotations. When we even hear the word, we feel uncomfortable. Many of us are conditioned to believe that failure is a sign of inadequacy, but what if we shifted our perspective? What if failure was simply a necessary part of the journey to success, something to learn from rather than fear?

The story of Thomas Edison’s relentless pursuit of the perfect light bulb is a well-known example of how failure can lead to success. After trying 2,000 different materials for the light bulb filament, Edison’s assistant became disheartened. After all that work, they still hadn’t found the right material. For the assistant, it felt like failure after failure.

But Edison had a different view. Instead of seeing those 2,000 failed attempts as wasted effort, he saw them as valuable lessons. “Oh, we have come a long way and we have learned a lot,” Edison said. “We now know that there are two thousand elements which we cannot use to make a good light bulb.” For Edison, failure wasn’t the end—it was simply a step on the road to success. He understood that each failed attempt brought him closer to the solution. Instead of focusing on what didn’t work, he focused on what he had learned.

Embracing Failure with Emotional Intelligence

Stories like Edison’s are inspiring from a distance. We hear them, nod along to the moral, and agree that failure is just part of the process. But when we face failure in our own lives, it feels much different. When it’s happening to us—when the disappointment is fresh and the setback is right in front of us—it’s harder to adopt Edison’s mindset of, “Oh well, no big deal. We’re learning here.”

This is where emotional intelligence plays a critical role. Emotional intelligence helps us navigate moments of failure with grace and perspective. It gives us the ability to process disappointment and frustration without letting those emotions consume us. With emotional intelligence, we can learn to view failure not as a dead end, but as an opportunity for growth and learning.

Getting to a place where you can recover quickly from failure doesn’t happen overnight—it takes practice. But emotional intelligence helps you take a step back, understand your feelings, and choose a constructive response. It teaches you to focus on what can be learned from the failure, rather than letting it derail your progress.

My Personal Experience with Failure

I remember when I didn’t have that emotional intelligence at my disposal. When I was going through my divorce, I felt like my world was falling apart. In my family, divorce was seen as a failure—a failed marriage meant you had failed as a person. I had internalized that belief, and I saw my divorce as a personal defeat.

One particularly hard day, I called my brother, looking for some perspective. He told me something that shifted my entire outlook: “You don’t keep going to the fridge and expecting the spoiled milk to still be good.”

It was a simple analogy, but it hit me hard. I had been treating my marriage like spoiled milk—expecting it to somehow get better, even though I knew it was no longer good for me. My brother’s words helped me realize that my divorce wasn’t a failure. It was simply time to take a different path. I hadn’t failed; I had just reached a point where I needed to move forward in a new direction.

This shift in mindset was crucial to my healing process. Instead of seeing the end of my marriage as a failure, I started to view it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I realized that failure wasn’t the right word for what I had experienced—it was more like gathering information and using it to make better choices for my future.

Failure Is Just Information

In her book You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero writes, “The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information.” This statement completely reframes how we think about failure. Rather than viewing it as the end of the road, failure becomes a tool—something that provides valuable insight for future decisions.

Think back to Edison again. Each time a filament didn’t work, he wasn’t dismayed. Instead, he saw it as another piece of information about what wouldn’t work, which in turn brought him closer to the right solution. The key here is persistence—understanding that as long as you keep going, you aren’t failing. You’re learning.

We often feel tempted to quit when things don’t go as planned. Failure feels personal, and it’s easy to believe that we’re not cut out for the task at hand. But quitting without finding a new path is the only real failure. As long as we take time to pause, regroup, and move forward, we are still making progress—even if it’s slower than we’d like or looks entirely different than we thought it would be.

How Failure Builds Resilience

Failure doesn’t just teach us lessons—it builds resilience. The more we address what feels like failing, and understand that there is a way forward, the stronger we become. Each time we confront a setback, whether we succeed or fail, we gain a deeper understanding of our abilities.

People who avoid failure often find it difficult to handle challenges when they arise. They’re unprepared for adversity because they haven’t built the resilience that comes from facing difficult situations. On the other hand, people who embrace failure as part of the process are more equipped to handle setbacks in all areas of life. They’ve learned to trust their ability to overcome obstacles, focus on solutions, and keep moving forward.

When you encounter failure, it’s important to remember that persistence is key. Setbacks are inevitable, but they don’t define your journey. Break your task into smaller steps and focus on making progress, even if it’s incremental. Instead of giving up, ask for help if needed. Seeking support from a mentor, friend, or colleague can provide new insights and perspectives that help you move past the hurdle. Seeking support is not failure!

Although I never would have chosen the military for my son, it was a very great day for me when he told me, “Mom, now I know I can do absolutely anything, because I made it through Basic Training.” He learned through his experience exactly how to build this resilience. THAT I wanted for him!

Failure Is Not the End

In life, failure is unavoidable. But how we choose to respond to failure determines whether we move forward or remain stuck. Every setback is an opportunity to learn, grow, and build resilience.

When you face failure—and you will—remember that it’s not the end. It’s simply gathering information, learning what doesn’t work, and adjusting your approach. Whether it’s a failed relationship, a professional setback, or a personal challenge, failure is a natural part of the journey toward success.