How to Be a Part of Your Adult Children's Busy Life: Tips for Parents

“You never write. You never call.”  Some parents say this to their adult children. It’s an expression of powerlessness. If the complaint is offered repetitively, it’s no wonder they don’t initiate contact!

What if it doesn’t have to be that way? While some adult children have distanced themselves or even cut off communication entirely, it’s generally because the relationship wasn’t there to start with. They made that choice for protection.

You’ve raised this child and poured energy into them. You might think that was enough. Ultimately, if it’s what you had to give, it simply has to be.  However, your child might not view it that way.  There may be healing that will yet happen.  But that’s not what this is about….

Why Being a Part of Your Adult Children's Life Matters

In this blog post, we’ll explore how to respect appropriate boundaries while still having a part in your adult children's lives. It’s important to recognize that they are no longer children. Just as when you were their age, they have their own ideas and values. Whether or not they align with yours, they need to be respected. If their values, actions, and ideas are different from yours, –get curious.

Simple Ways to Be a Part of Your Adult Children's Life

Ask them to explain. Listen with an open mind. You might not agree, yet you’ll have a better understanding of them and they will know they’ve been heard. There’s also the chance that you’ll learn something new and be able to see the world from a new perspective.

Your role as the parent of an adult is vastly different from your role as the parent of a minor. You are no longer actively raising them. Congratulations! That part is successfully completed.

How to Offer Support and Be a Part of Your Adult Children's Life

Now it’s time to shift to a different role. It’s a role of equals. They are peers. Just as you would treat a friend, with trust and respect, that’s the role you are trying for. Just like there are areas of expertise or knowledge that a friend may bring, so too your adult child may now have information that will help you. When you respect them for their knowledge, they are more apt to turn to you to share yours.

Linda remembers vividly being told by her in-laws when she had her daughter, “We’ve raised our children, now it’s your turn.” It was a very strong message of trust and confidence that they were not going to tell them how to raise their children. What a gift!

Building Stronger Family Bonds: Being a Part of Your Adult Children's Life

If your children now have children, follow their lead, and let them be the parents they want to be. If they ask you for your opinion or for your advice, of course, answer! And answer honestly. If they don’t, let them do it their way. Your only job is to love them and to meet them where they are.

Forcing your way into their life will likely not work and have the opposite effect to your desire to be involved. However, paving the way with trust and respect will make it more likely that they want to involve you in their life. Respect their boundaries, see where you might fit in their busy lives without adding to the busyness.

The Benefits of Asking 'How Can I Be a Part of Your Adult Children's Life?'

Why not ask: How can I jump into your busy life? How can I help or support you?

Don’t sit by the phone waiting for them to reach out to you. Build the life YOU want. A life you enjoy. A life that makes you feel happy with or without them. Ultimately, you do create your own reality. You can choose to feel sad, lonely, and in your mind think about how it’s the fault of the “dirty, rotten kids.” Or, you can decide to live a life so interesting that they want to be invited in when you offer.

Recently, I invited my son and his roommates for dinner. Initially, the response I got was, “No, I don’t think anyone wants to come.” I didn’t push. I let that be. Eventually, in a face-to-face conversation, he brought it up, and I realized that I hadn’t been clear about my expectations. When I said, “This is free food that you don’t have to cook. Eat. Stay as long or as little as you want after you finish the meal. I don’t have an agenda or anything I need to talk about.” There was an “Oh! Well.”  That’s when I discovered another piece of his resistance – coordinating a date and time with everyone. My son created a clear boundary: “I’m going to give you their numbers. It’s on you to figure out and confirm with everyone.” This wasn’t an issue for me, and we had a lovely time.

By offering the meal with no strings attached and respecting his boundaries, I was able to create a meaningful connection which is important to me. This paves the way for future positive interactions.

I took ownership of my part in the relationship and was able to create a reality that I enjoyed. (My dogs didn’t though! One of the roommates is allergic, and I had to put the dogs in a room. Which again showed that I respected their needs.)

When you can figure out a way to intersect the realities that you are each creating it can be very pleasant. There’s no need to feel sad and lonely. Life offers lots of opportunities.

Asking "How can I be a part of your busy life?" is a powerful way to stay connected with your adult children. By showing a genuine interest in their lives and finding ways to support them, you can build stronger relationships and ensure that they feel valued and understood. Don't wait for them to reach out—take the initiative and show that you care about their well-being and success.