Men and Emotions

In our society right now, men have been conditioned to believe that they shouldn’t have or express strong emotions. While this has shifted somewhat during my lifetime, we still have a ways to go. Men are humans, and as such are entitled to the full range of emotions that women do. We realized that we had inadvertently contributed by writing a blog post years ago titled “Coping with Overwhelming Emotions as a Mom” and had not written anything to help the dads. We’re rectifying that with this post. It seemed like a good time too with the wedding season and graduations upon us. The purpose of this blog post is to normalize emotions for men. It is a call to action to support men so that they go further in their emotional intelligence. After all, the more emotionally intelligent people there are in the world, the better for society as a whole.

Challenging Societal norms with regards to Men and Emotions

Historically, the emotion that men have been allowed to express without as much fear of repercussion or judgment is anger. They learn as children to be stoic and unemotional. “Big boys don’t cry.” One only needs to think of the funeral of JFK, with JFK Jr. saluting the casket to see the ingrained cultural message. Here was a three year old, on his birthday, who just lost his father being expected not to cry. In an article that covers the story of the memorable photo taken by Farrell:

Farrell remembered watching Jackie as the coffin left the cathedral and was placed into a horse-drawn caisson (a wagon). Farrell said she leaned down to whisper to her son, "She said, 'John, salute.' He didn't respond at first. I took a deep breath. She said, 'John-John, salute.'" The three-year-old let go of his mother's hand and saluted with his right hand. Farrell took a single frame.

He not only was required to salute, but to do so without the comfort of his mother’s hand. This event rippled through our nation and set the societal norm. Yet, it’s healthy to express true feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong. While they may make you feel vulnerable, there’s great strength in that vulnerability.

By speaking up and acknowledging the emotions that have previously been expected to be ignored, they help other men to acknowledge their own emotions and recognize themselves. Permission needs to come from all genders in order for us to move beyond the constraining limits to emotions allowed to men.

Understanding Men and Emotions

Both men and women experience a wide range of feelings. They can be simple or complex. Feelings often come with layers.

Another example in more recent and popular culture is John Legend’s openness after the loss of their son, Jack, in late pregnancy. Although he was initially hesitant to share photos of their son, he later expressed that he was glad they did. It helped others going through the same or a similar situation, to know they aren’t alone. Photos of John and his wife Chrissy together in their grief at the hospital flooded news and social media.

Contrast this with Travis Kelce’s angry outburst at the Superbowl earlier this year. While he later apologized and said that his behavior was “definitely unacceptable” the cultural norm was nevertheless reinforced by how the exchange occurred. If anger is the only acceptable emotion, it can happen that all emotions present themselves as anger. While only Kelce knows the true feeling underneath his anger, my guess is that it was fear of losing something that was important to him.

Ultimately, men need to be allowed to experience and express all their emotions. This will lead to healthier outcomes for those around them, and for them too!

I remember working on the cardiac floor during my clinical training, and seeing a significant number of men who didn’t know what to do with their emotions. So they stuffed them, and worked harder. The result was physical illness. There is a better way. It requires doing the emotional work to understand the feelings and let them process and integrate into their life experience so that the feelings don’t get stuck in the body.

Supporting Men’s Emotions

When men begin expressing feelings, they need to be heard and even welcomed. Some women inadvertently shut down men without realizing they are doing it because they want their man to “be strong for them.” What if we allow men to be both? The strength in fully acknowledging one’s emotions is much greater than all feelings turn into anger. I heard one dad whose son had died by suicide expressing regret that he had not allowed his son to see his vulnerability and fear. Instead he had presented to his son only a facade of superficial strength that his son felt he could never achieve. His experience motivated him to share his experience in the hopes of helping others. It is sobering to know that our children are watching, and yet this can be motivating as well.

Navigating difficult emotions can feel uncomfortable. Yet, it gets easier with practice. When women support initial efforts, they help men grow their emotional intelligence. When men support other men, it accelerates even further. Feelings are not right, wrong, good, or bad. They simply are. When we let them be, we move through them much more easily than trying to wrestle them out of sight of others. Our previous blog, “Crying in Front of Your Kids” may be helpful. By offering true compassion and empathy without judgment for anyone with strong emotions, we both normalize and make them easier to experience.

When men and women work together to model healthy emotional expression and coping it benefits our children. This is how we change our immediate experience, but more, it impacts the world. Allowing emotions and healthy ways to work through them, it reduces conflict.
The health of our society improves dramatically. Public places are safe once again, and our society builds bridges through conflict instead of separation.

Remember, this is what love looks like.