On Their Own

The time has come.  The ones you’ve nurtured to adulthood are about to be on their own.  

Encouraging Independence: Letting Them Find Their Way on Their Own

When our children grow up and move out, they will be confronted with new experiences and challenges. New skills will develop - and at times, they will still turn to you for assistance and perhaps advice.  This blog post will explore the importance of letting them be on their own while at the same time listening to provide the support they need.

As the time nears for your child to be out on their own, it’s important to manage your grief if you experience it.  While some are eager for the freedom that this new stage brings, others feel a keen sense of loss that floods them.  

Creating a Supportive Environment: Helping Them Cope on Their Own

Knowing, acknowledging, and letting the feelings be expressed to others who are not your kids is important.  

It’s important to know, acknowledge and let your feelings be expressed to others.  While it’s ok for them to know you’ll miss them, it’s your responsibility to find ways to soothe and comfort yourself.  Their job is to fly. In order for them to go, they need to know you’ll be alright without them.  

Also, there may be unexpected tension, miscommunication, and well, fighting with pissy attitudes.  This is a common way they ready themselves to pull away from you, and at the same time help you feel like, “Maybe it won’t be so bad with them gone after all!”  

In my training, I had read the book, “Necessary Losses,” by Judith Viorst, so I knew it might come into play.  I experienced it with both of my kids, and was able to name it for all of us that the angst we were experiencing with each other was both normal and healthy.

Though that phase was uncomfortable, I remember my daughter telling me when she was half way through her freshman year at college, “Mom, I didn’t realize until I was around so many others just how lucky I am.  Thank you for being who you are.”  I told her thank you, and I asked what had prompted her to say that.  She replied, “You trust me to handle things on my own.  You’re there if I need you, but you aren’t calling me or on my case all the time.”  

Before she left, I had asked her what level of communication she thought she might want.  I told her of course I was happy to talk any time, but that I knew it was time for her to learn and grow in a new environment.  She thought she might like to check in once a week.  I honored that (except for emergencies).  I believed that she would be fine on her own.

My son moved out into an apartment with some friends about 4 months ago as I write this.  He’s in the same town, and he’s still figuring out his long term plan.  Last week he stopped by, and  I asked him what he wanted to do.  “I want to take a deployment, but that won’t make you happy.”  I told him it’s not his job to make me happy but to find happiness for himself.  Whatever it is that makes him happy, that’s what I want for him.  I also let him know that he might try something, and then try something else, and something else…that finding the thing doesn’t always happen immediately, and that’s ok.  Keep going until you’ve created it for yourself.  

It’s the experience of knowing what you don’t want that allows you to know what you do want.

Roger Gould writes, “Parents continue to monitor us during the twenties.  When we do it their way, we’re afraid we’re capitulating.  When we violate their rules and are successful, we feel free but also triumphant and somewhat guilty.  When we’re faced by a failure, we wonder if they weren’t right all along.”  Judith Viorst adds to that, “Our separation from them does not require repudiation.  It requires free choices.”

In order for them to be fully on their own, we have to trust that their free choices will be alright.  We have to know just like we have the free will to choose in our lives, they have too.  This means that listening is often the best choice.

Building Trust and Confidence: Letting Them Handle Stress on Their Own

They are going to hit difficult times.  They will have experiences that we wouldn’t wish for them, and where they experience insecurity.  It is so important when these occur to be available to listen without judgment, without solutions, and most importantly, with love.  For them to truly be on their own, we need to let them fly solo.  We need to let them make their own mistakes, and find their own triumphs.  

I know a young adult who experienced an armed robbery outside her apartment.  Obviously no parent wishes this!  The parents provided a place for healing and safety so that she could process the trauma, and she was able to again move out into the world on her own.

Your role now is to trust that you have given them the ability to do exactly that, and not get in their way.  The whole point was to get to this place of watching them manage on their own.

Thriving On Their Own

Yesterday my dear friend shared with me, “My son called.  He said he had something he wanted to tell me.  I took a deep breath and braced myself for whatever was coming next.  What he said was ‘Mom, I want to thank you for supporting me, and loving me.’ I feel so blessed.”  Her son is 30.  

Linda shared a time when her daughter told her she was the “Best mom ever!” after a particularly difficult time.  This is truly the desire of any parent.  

Why so many positive examples in this blog post?  I want to encourage you to know that this is something you can have too–a healthy, happy relationship even though they are indeed launched into adulthood.

So, expect the conflict to arise if they are about to go out on their own.  Be ready to support through difficulties using excellent active listening skills, and remember to trust that humans have been doing this for millennia, and it’s going to be alright.  

Your job?  Keep loving them.  That’s it.

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