Starting Where They Are: Bridging Gaps in Holiday Conversations

Here’s the scene: Kitchen, Anywhere USA.

“Let me DO something!” she exclaimed. “I can help!” Her determined 81-year-old self insisted.

“Mom, I can’t even count how many of these gatherings you’ve hosted. Go sit down!” her daughter replied, equal parts loving and exasperated.

As I watched the dynamics unfold, I saw two people speaking past each other. It wasn’t about the sweet potatoes or the table setting. This was about deeper emotions—identity, respect, and love.

I said simply, “Of course you can help. No one questions that. You are still capable. It’s also true that what your daughter is saying is that she respects you and wants the opportunity to give to you. Will you receive it and come sit with me and talk a while?”

And so we did. The moment shifted. What started as a clash of perspectives softened into connection.

Why “Starting Where They Are” Matters

Holiday gatherings can be wonderful, but they’re often fraught with subtle (or not-so-subtle) tensions. Miscommunications, unmet expectations, or generational differences can make it hard to navigate conversations. Much of this stems from a failure to start from where the other person is.

In the kitchen that day, the mother wanted to feel useful, valued, and seen for the capable person she still is. The daughter wanted to express gratitude and give her mom the chance to rest—a gift of love in its own right. Both had good intentions, but their words missed the mark because they weren’t fully considering the other’s perspective. When we slow down, acknowledge the emotions underneath, and meet someone where they are, conversations shift. Connection becomes possible.

How to Acknowledge Their Perspective

To start where someone is, it’s important to first acknowledge their perspective. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, starting with acknowledgment can diffuse tension. For the mother in this story, acknowledging her capability and years of hosting experience was key. Saying something like, “I see why that’s important to you” or “It sounds like you’re feeling dismissed, and that’s frustrating. Is that right?” can make a world of difference. When you offer validation, it shows the other person that their perspective matters, even if you view things differently.

Balancing Respect and Boundaries

It’s also important to balance respect with boundaries. Respect doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs or feelings. In the kitchen example, the daughter didn’t want her mom to overdo it, but her message initially came off as “unwanted.” Reframing her daughter’s intention with an emphasis on respect—“Of course you’re capable, but this is a gift of respect”—allowed the message to land differently. Boundaries, when shared with kindness, help avoid conflict. Saying, “I hear that you want to help, and I appreciate it. Let me take care of this for you today,” which the daughter did say right before her mother went with me, combines acknowledgment with a gentle boundary, preserving the connection while addressing your own needs.

The Power of Reframing

Reframing the moment is another powerful tool. In this case, reframing the daughter’s intent as a way of giving back helped the mother see her actions as loving, not dismissive. Sometimes, stepping back and offering a new perspective allows both parties to approach the situation with more empathy and understanding. For example, saying, “I see how much you want to contribute, and I know your daughter values that too. Maybe letting her take the reins this time is her way of showing you love,” can soften the conversation and make space for shared understanding.

The ability to reframe and acknowledge emotions isn’t just about keeping the peace in a single conversation. It builds a habit of listening and responding in ways that deepen relationships. When we pause to consider the bigger picture—why this moment matters to the other person—it becomes easier to respond with compassion rather than frustration.

Finding Value in Delegation

As the mother and I sat and talked, there was more soothing to be done. She needed space to process what had happened and to feel valued in a new way. She wanted to get up and do something and asked me if I thought she’d get in trouble if she did. I suggested she use her power of delegation, and ask her granddaughters to do it even though she could have done it herself. It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it—it was a choice. By delegating, she stayed engaged and active in the gathering while also allowing others the opportunity to contribute.

This interaction reminded me how often we equate value with action, particularly in older generations. For many people, stepping back feels like losing purpose. When we help others see that their value doesn’t diminish when they take on a different role, we can ease the discomfort that often accompanies transitions. It’s a gift we give to them and to ourselves.

Bridging Gaps During the Holidays

The holidays are often a time of heightened emotions. There’s joy, yes, but there’s also the weight of expectations, memories, and sometimes loss. Starting where someone is allows us to bridge gaps and foster connection, even when misunderstandings arise. When we prioritize listening and understanding, we create space for moments that matter—whether it’s sitting down for a heartfelt conversation or inviting someone else to take the lead.

This season, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself, “Am I starting where they are?” It’s a simple shift, but one that can transform your conversations and strengthen your relationships. Let’s make this holiday season one of connection, understanding, and shared joy.