"You Don’t Listen…”

“You don’t listen.” Ouch. Hearing this can sting. If these words sound familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced this moment, and while it can feel uncomfortable, it’s an opportunity to reflect and improve. Listening, when done well, can transform our relationships, bringing understanding, trust, and connection. But let’s be honest—listening isn’t as simple as it sounds.

Most of us aren’t actually taught how to listen effectively, and as a result, misunderstandings and frustrations easily arise. It’s no wonder that feeling unheard is such a common complaint in relationships, both personal and professional. The good news? Listening is a skill that can be learned, and there are ways to start improving today.

Why We Miss the Mark on Listening

If someone has ever told you that you’re not listening, it usually means one of two things: you missed the content of their words, or you missed the emotion behind them. When we get caught up in our own reactions—whether it’s defensiveness, frustration, or even eagerness to respond—it’s easy to miss the deeper message.

A simple way to turn things around is to circle back and ask for clarity. Try saying, “This is what I heard you say…” and repeat back what you understood. This gives the other person a chance to correct any misunderstandings and share their feelings openly. And if they say, “No, that’s not what I said at all,” take a deep breath, let go of the need to defend yourself, and instead, invite them to try again, letting them know you WANT to hear them. By showing a willingness to listen deeply, you’re not just hearing words—you’re connecting on a much deeper level.

The Power of Emotional Regulation in Listening

Listening isn’t just about the words exchanged; it’s about managing our own emotions to create a space of true understanding. Emotional regulation is crucial here. When we feel defensive, frustrated, or even angry, it’s incredibly difficult to truly hear what the other person is saying. Our minds become clouded with our own emotions, making it nearly impossible to receive the message clearly.  Our brain physiologically doesn’t let us!

At HOLD, we recognize the importance of emotional regulation and actively support clients in creating calm, centered listening environments. Imagine being in a conversation where, instead of rushing to respond, you have the skills to pause, breathe, and fully receive what’s being said. This level of self-awareness not only deepens your connection with others but also fosters a sense of safety and trust in all your relationships.

A Real-Life Example of Listening in Action

Recently, I observed an exchange where this cry of “You don’t listen!” rang out. It was a heated moment, and things were escalating quickly. Because these were people who knew and trusted me, I was able to step in. I validated the feeling of one person who didn’t feel heard, while gently helping the other realize that their emotions were preventing them from truly listening. When I asked them to repeat what they’d just heard, they couldn’t do it, and that realization opened the door to change.

This awareness brought a shift in the room. The listener recognized their emotional barriers and was able to re-center. The person who felt unheard saw that there was genuine intent to listen this time, and the atmosphere softened. By the end of the conversation, everyone involved felt heard, understood, and connected.

Maybe you’re thinking, “That sounds lovely, but how does this help me?”

Simple Steps to Begin Improving Your Listening Today

If you’re ready to start listening better, here are a few practical steps to help you get started. Remember, listening is a skill that improves with practice, and every effort you make has the potential to improve your relationships:

1. Pause and Breathe: When someone is speaking, focus on taking slow, deep breaths to stay calm and present. This helps keep your emotions in check, allowing you to listen without jumping to conclusions or getting defensive.
2. Reflect Back: After the other person finishes, repeat what you heard in your own words. This shows that you’re actively listening and gives them a chance to clarify anything you may have missed.
3. Stay Curious: Instead of reacting, approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you need right now?” This encourages the other person to share more deeply.
4. Be Patient: True listening takes time. Allow pauses in the conversation without rushing to fill the silence. Sometimes, a moment of quiet can be just what’s needed to make the other person feel truly heard.
5. Use “I” Statements: If you need to share your own feelings, use “I” statements to keep the focus on your perspective rather than sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I feel… when…” rather than “You always…”.  

How HOLD Can Support You in Becoming a Better Listener

At HOLD, we provide resources that empower you to truly connect with others and develop your listening skills in a practical, impactful way. If you’re ready to take your listening skills to the next level, consider our course, Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections. This course is designed to deepen your relationships, improve your communication skills, and guide you on a path toward more meaningful connections.

Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections goes beyond basic listening techniques to equip you with strategies that foster empathy, clarity, and trust in all your interactions. The course also dives into common listening pitfalls that people tend to make—like interrupting, letting distractions take over, or listening with an agenda—and provides effective ways to avoid these obstacles. Through guided exercises, self-reflection, and practical tools, the course helps you listen in ways that build stronger, more meaningful bonds with the people in your life.

One participant shared how much the course impacted her conversations: "Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections was truly invaluable. Deb is a skilled teacher and clearly an expert in active listening. I honestly don't know where I would have learned these skills otherwise—this isn't something you often see covered in such an accessible way. I even found myself having deeper conversations while still taking the course. I recommend it to anyone who values connection and compassion."

Listening isn’t just a skill; it’s a pathway to deeper relationships, reduced stress, and genuine connection. If you’re ready to bring these qualities into your life, Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections is the next step toward unlocking the transformative power of listening.

The Gift of True Listening

Listening is one of the most profound gifts we can offer each other, and it’s a skill that can change the way we relate to those around us. If you’re feeling the need for deeper, more meaningful connections, give the tips in this blog post a try. Pick one, and focus on it for a week, then try another. You will see improvement.

Small changes in the way you listen can have a huge impact on your relationships. When we listen with genuine curiosity and empathy, we open the door to connection, understanding, and trust. And if you’re ready to go further, Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections provides a structured path to develop these skills, offering insights and tools that will enhance your life. Embrace the power of listening, and experience how it can transform the way you connect with the people who matter most.